Orange

The thing about going to a science-oriented school is that you sometimes do really strange things in the name of science. Like the time I attempted to find out if eating a lot of carrots really does turn you orange.

I got nominated to carry out this experiment because I was the whitest of our friends. We figured that any color change would show up best on my incredibly pale skin. It was decided that I needed to eat a pound of carrots every day for two weeks. My reward for sticking to this regimen would be a six pack of beer. Which certainly sounded like a reasonable payment at the time. With hindsight I know that this wasn't really worth it. But the memories are.

Bargain struck, we went to the store to get my supply of carrots. I also picked up some ranch dressing to help them go down. This experiment wasn't carried out with a lot of rigor or research, but on that first day  I really did eat nothing but raw carrots and ranch dressing. It turns out that this is a large volume of food, but there aren't that many calories or other nutrients in carrots. By the end of the day I was both full and starving, which is a very strange feeling.

The second day was worse. I ate my pound of carrots, but I broke down at dinner and had some leftover beef. It wasn't great beef, but I was so starved for protein at this point that it remains one of the better tasting meals of my life. The meal was delicious, and I was beginning to worry about my calorie intake. We decided to alter the parameters of the experiment. So long as I ate the carrots, I could also eat anything else I wanted. To avoid the full/hungry paradox, I saved the carrots for dinner.

It should come as no surprise that I didn't always finish my pound of carrots. I come back around to the fact that it's just a lot of food. I figured it would go down easier if the carrots were cooked. And I believe that this was the reason the experiment ultimately failed. I steamed the carrots. I soaked them in butter. I glazed them in brown sugar. I got them all down, but I think that cooking them broke down whatever it is that's supposed to turn you orange.

And, full disclosure, I completely skipped two days. The Fourth of July is just not the day for this kind of diet.

In the end, my skin didn't change color, though my poop was bright orange. I did receive my beer, though, and I felt it was well deserved. By a twist of fate, the experiment ended the day before my 21st birthday, and the lack of carrots was one of my better presents that year. Right up there with the ability to drink legally and the final Harry Potter book.

To celebrate my birthday and the end of the experiment, a couple of friends and I went to the only bar walking distance from campus. We asked the bartender for a tasty shooter, and he presented us with something called carrot cake. Naturally, my friends forced me to drink it. It was almost five years before I could bring myself to touch another carrot.